I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Randomize
