Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
is leaving the club to fk in his friends van subtle?
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
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