What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
Randomize
