I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
