he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Randomize
