Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
My feet surprised me
Randomize
