I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
