I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
