Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
Randomize
