I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
FUCK WHALES
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
