I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Randomize
