I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Randomize
