i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
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