someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
Randomize
