Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
found the other keg... it's in the tree
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
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