I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
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