i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
And secondly i just said i'd pay ten dollars to have sex with you
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
Randomize
