my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
i just made a list of the people i have slept with. is it bad that some of them are just either names of the places i met them or the color of the shirts?
i also rounded the number up for good measure. i am sure there are a few i have forgotten about.
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
