Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
Randomize
