a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Randomize
