dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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