neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
Randomize
