If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
Randomize
