Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
