I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Randomize
