I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
there is no way he can be that small
look on the bright side he'll over comepensate
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
