I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
well, if it gives you any insight into how crazy it was, i am currently wikipediaing "anullment"
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
Don't judge me. He's really sexy for a 17 year old. We made nasty in the womens bathroom at the beach. Don't worry. I wore sandals in there.
None of that is ok.
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
Randomize
