My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
so basically i'm the" little sister", he's the "big brother" and we just fucked
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
then he tried to convert me to islam
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
