quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking ros�, bitch!
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
Randomize
