i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
Just watched a guy pause a bluetooth convo to puke outside of esso. gotta love orangeville
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Randomize
