i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
Randomize
