i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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