Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
I think i got beer on your cat.
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