I wish I could punch you in the face.
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
Randomize
