somebody snuck up and got me drunk
She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Randomize
