Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
2010 has been the year of the Eskimo brother. Let's see how many igloos we can shack in next year
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Randomize
