I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Randomize
