on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
Randomize
