I mean roof. it goes up. its important day. you should recongziw it.
You're drunk. Make complete sentences.
It's not luke its my birthday or anything. Mike, understand.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Randomize
