saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
They wouldn't serve more then two Shots per person, so you grabbed a group of strangers and said u werre buying them all shots, then proceeded to drink all of them.
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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