He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Randomize
