you still trying to smash that chick?
it's a losing battle and she kinda sucks. been busy with school so not getting midweek drunk - she's nearly unbearable sober
Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
Took an aderol, wrote a differential equation for solving volume of flow of a rectangular channel with change in depth, then masturbated for the 6th time.
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Randomize
