Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
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