I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
