At a sweet 16. cant remember what shirt im wearing byt dnt worry im not sleeping w/ the guy who serves the chicken nuggets again
You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
