My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
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