WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
Randomize
