So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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