M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
Randomize
