I painted my nails silver
And what are the implications of that?
Is there supposed to be a msg in that? Just thought ud like to know it looks like I fingerbanged an alien
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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