my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
I saw her while sober, and she is definately cut off from the penis ride
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
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